I Don’t Wanna: Explore Your Resistance to New Ideas
I am someone who automatically resists new ideas. Sounds fun, right?
It’s a running joke between me and my husband that whenever we are going out for dinner, he should not suggest his first choice right away, lest it be immediately shut down.
This is not my favourite feature about myself, but with a bit of self-awareness – and understanding of the underlying cause for the rejection – I can usually move forward from my kneejerk no to a more relevant response.
This article takes a look at some of the reasons why you might be saying NO, and how to discover if that is the best answer for your situation.
Rebellion/Questioning: Resisting what other people want.
Anyone familiar with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies will know the categories she created to understand how different people are motivated in relation to the suggestions and expectations of themselves and others. [If you are not familiar with this framework, check out the quiz here]. If you are a questioner or a rebel, your instinctive response to external expectations might be dubiousness or rejection.
Understanding your desire to over-analyze or deny the will of others can help you set aside your initial impulse. You can then try to step out of your tendency and take a more objective looks at the merits or weakness of the suggestion.
Indecision: Not sure what you want.
The surest way to feel uncertain about a suggestion is when you are uncertain about who you want in the first place. Uncertainly leads to a vague sense that there is something better out there, even if you are not sure what...
It is often easier to know what you don’t want rather than what you do want. As a result, it is easier to say NO to the suggestions of others, then commit to a YES to a clear path forward.
Whether it is choosing a restaurant, a life partner or a job, being indecisive can cause us to reject a valid option based on a belief in a more satisfying alternative. That alternative may exist, but to receive satisfaction, you will still have to do the work of reflecting and deciding on what you really want.
Lukewarm: Happy to participate but don’t want to take the lead.
Sometimes I say ‘No’ when what I really mean is ‘I would be okay with that if you want to take the lead.’
Coming back to my favourite example of food: sometimes my husband will suggest a recipe for our meal planning. And I will say ‘No’, but what I really mean is ‘I would be happy to eat that if you make it.’
In this case, you are probably okay enough with the suggestion that you would participate, but you are not excited enough to lead the initiative. This is often a non-issue, because the person suggesting the idea is likely excited enough about it to take the lead, and you will get to enjoy the end result.
Inflexibility: Preferring your pre-existing plan.
While reluctance to change an existing system relates to fondness for how things have been done historically, this one relates to a commitment to future plans.
This one is for my stubborn people who have a hard time shifting plans – even if that plan is to do nothing. I would say especially if the plan is to do nothing. I planned on doing nothing, and I resent any insinuation that nothing is not a substantial plan.
Some disruptions to a plan are indifferent to your stubbornness – medical emergencies, car trouble, a pipe bursting, etc.
However, if an opportunity presents itself to do something that wasn’t in your plan, try to consider its benefits before shutting it down.
Anxiety: Nervousness about the idea.
Everyone has things that make them nervous – okay, almost everyone.
Sometimes these feelings are legit and you should heed them. This includes situations or activities with greater risk of bodily harm, like bungee jumping or driving in a blizzard.
However, sometimes these relate to things that are momentarily uncomfortable but can often mid- and long-term benefits, like going to a party where you don’t know too many people or travelling to another country.
When confronted with nervousness, do a risk-benefit analysis, a good ole’ pros and cons list. You can do this with paper and pen or a quick tally in your head. Whatever it is, push past the initial fear response, and interrogate it. If the answer is still ‘No, I do not want to risk grievous bodily harm’ that’s totally wise.
In some cases, the answer might be ‘You know, last time I went to a party where I didn’t know a ton of people, I ended up meeting Lia & Audrey, who are both totally awesome.’ And you can not let nervousness stop you from doing a low-risk, high-potential-reward activity.
Disagreement: Genuinely disagree with an idea.
You might disagree with a suggestion because you straight up disagree with it. This is fair and legitimate. But, as is the theme of this entire article, do the work to figure out what specifically you disagree with.
Especially if you are going to voice your opinion, it will be better received if you can back up your view with valid arguments as to why existing processes are functional, why the proposed solution is a repeat of past failed efforts or why a key piece of information wasn’t factored into the proposed new idea.
There are many reasons to disagree with an idea, but in debating ideas, options and strategies at work and at home, your relationships will fare better if you can offer more than a flat-out no in response to the sincere and well-intentioned suggestions and requests of others.
