Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself
I am writing this on a brilliant sunny but windy March day. Spring is showing signs of arriving after a chilly winter. Just like the global pandemic that has upturned and changed our lives is showing signs of possibly abating.
As we approach the one-year mark of when society, work and socializing as we knew it came to a halt, I am noticing some cautious optimism, but also a lot of weariness.
In addition to the fatigue, overwhelm, isolation and other feelings brought on by the pandemic, many women in my life additionally feel guilt and self-recrimination for feeling negative feelings.
I think even the most optimistic and privileged among us are feeling the weight of this extended pause, this holding of our breath, this extra burden on our decisions and our relationships.
Those with less support, resources and options are undoubtedly feeling acute stress as a result of trying to meet their needs and the needs of their loved ones over the past year.
I am asking you to please not beat yourself up about feeling sad, or frustrated, or exhausted, or whatever it is you feel.
Instead, I submit – humbly – some suggestions for ways to celebrate yourself, restore energy or feel proud of what you are achieving.
Remember (and celebrate) your wins!
We have evolved to focus on the negative – honing in on risks and threats.
As a result, happy, inspiring and safe moments often make less of an enduring impression. They bring us fleeting joy, but when our heads hit the pillow at night, it is all too rare that we are kept awake recollecting the things that went right. It is thoughts of what went wrong or undone that prevent us from sleeping soundly.
You can counteract this by actively tracking your wins, which include:
positive moments, interactions and exchanges
tasks completed – big or small
meaningful conversations
moments of affection
conquering fears or procrastination
delicious experiences (read: snacks) and
moments of pleasure (like the sunshine I am enjoying right now even though it is past 5pm!).
Keep a list of wins throughout the day. Get into the habit of capturing them in the moment! On an app in your phone, in your planner, in an email to yourself, in a notebook, wherever.
Then, instead of beating yourself up for perceived failures, take time before bed to look back on your record of wins, and allow yourself to bask in your moments of joy and achievement.
Make time for what you love
Well, friends, this is a personal battle for me, and I feel hypocritical including this, because I do not always make time for the things I love. Instead, my time and attention will be drawn away by mindless entertainment and social media scrolling, as addressed in other articles on this website.
BUT – even though my pursuit of this goal is imperfect, I will still include this suggestion, because it is so important!
First, it helps to identify some things you love and that uplift, engage or bring positive energy to your life. These can be:
a hobby you enjoy (embroidery, baking, photography)
a side hustle or entrepreneurial initiative you want to get off the ground (building knowledge-based products, selling a handicraft you create, marketing your digital or technical skills)
a health-related habit (fitness, stretching, packing a lunch, prepping meals for the week ahead)
a social connection (walk with a friend, phone your grandma, coffee date, weekend brunch)
romantic time with your partner (sex, a meaningful conversation, planning for the future)
The time you make for any of these can be SMALL – like 15 minutes (except for brunch… you will need longer for a proper brunch).
You can make time by putting away your phone and stepping away from social media to get down to business. 15 minutes of writing your novel, or 20 minutes of martial arts practice – is BETTER THAN NOTHING.
Setting aside time first thing in the morning in another tactic to avoid having other tasks and general fatigue prevent you from doing what you love later in the day.
Progress, not perfection. Small and consistent steps every day will get you way further than 5 hours of perfect practice once every three months.
You can do it. You will be energized by making and protecting and taking time to do what you love.
Don’t let others dictate your time
Ok, so people with children and bosses might read this and give me some strong stink eye.
Let’s refine this – don’t let others dictate your free time. Whether this is a block of meeting-free time at work or your sweet hour of time after the kids are in bed, don’t let your use of this time for driven by people in your Inbox, or Mark Zuckerberg, or even your spouse.
It helps if you have identified your own priorities – professional and personal. From there, you can dedicate your free time to achieve what you know is most important to your wellbeing and success. Once you follow through on your commitment to yourself, you can wade into your wild Inbox or finish up a household chore. But protecting the precious time you have to spend on your priorities will prevent resentment and build your sense of accomplishment so you bring better energy to helping others with their priorities.
Ask for help
You do not have to do everything perfectly by yourself.
Ask colleagues for help.
Ask family members for help.
Ask friends for help.
Help can be “will you proofread this for me?” or “will you show me how to use this software?”
Help can be “will you please make dinner on Wednesday and Thursday this week? Those are busy days, and I would appreciate your help in the evenings.”
Help can be “will you take a walk with me this weekend? I’m feeling pretty lonely and I would love to see you.”
You don’t have to manage every assignment, task and heavy feeling on your own.
Please reach out to people in your community. They will be happy to help.
Rest
A lot of the articles on this blog – and a lot of the advice in the self-improvement and professional forums – are about DOING.
How to DO better, how to DO more efficiently, how to DO faster.
When you feel burnt out, the answer is not necessarily DOING more / better / differently.
The answer may be rest.
And rest can look like:
Going to bed earlier at night
Starting your pre-bed wind-down earlier in the evening
Taking a cat nap mid-afternoon (especially if you are working from home… maybe not if you are still in your workplace…)
Waking up later in the morning
Taking breaks to stretch and step away from screens
Napping when your children nap or going to bed when they go to bed
Asking your night-owl partner or roommate to reduce noise / light from their nocturnal activities
Making bedtime relaxing and enticing with an evening tea ritual, or bubble bath
Invest in an improved sleep environment (black out curtain, new pillow, less intrusive alarm clock)
When you hit a wall in productivity, when you are overwhelmed emotionally, when you don’t feel like yourself, rest is more important than biohacking or time management.
And, I encourage you to look to the previous point – and if you need to ask your partner, boss or friends for help to get the rest you need, please do.
Keep the faith
It’s been a long year. How the pandemic has affected your life varies widely across our society. Yet all experienced changes to their routines, relationships and workplaces.
BUT – there is light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it is the influence of this early spring sunshine, or the increased availability of vaccines – but I can see a light at the end of this tunnel. Whether it comes sooner or later, we will not always be in this situation of social distancing and separation and lockdown.
Keep the faith that the future will be full of indoors, unmasked time with loved ones, travel, physical connection and community.
